A tired soul sits - and aching fingers flit above the keys-

when did it become so hard to write?

click click- I hear the sound it's falling on my ears, and wondering how do you get meaning out of this?

achin gheart for family, sisters, friends, hoping wishing wondering... when the waiting ends..

and so I sit and wiat and watch and hope that you are coming nearer to me.

I wait and wish and read and hope and pray and ask and wait and go looking for you aomwhwere else.

where are you and why can I not find you?

I think that you are closer to me than you were yesterday but I don't know that for sure. and I wish that I did.

Would you please come and help me? I need you to be near. I need life back. I need your life in me and I can't do it. I have tried. and I have so many questions and I wonder if these questions are the questions I should be asking or if there are other questions that I should be asking.. and what is the point if we will never know the answers here on earth and in heaven we won't care? would you come and break through my silence would you break through the hardness of my heart would you come and clean me out? I want to know what it means to be yours. I wnat to know what it means to taste you... to know that you are good. to know that you are God... what is it that you want of me? and I'm also afraid because, what if what you want of me is me? what if despite what I think if your word says something, and I beleive your word is true then it means that Ihave to change the way I'm living, and what if the way that I am living is a way that I like to live? what then? Do I have the courage to face the truth in me and the courage to face your truth and to recognize that what you want and what I want are different things? and that it ISN?T okay? and how do I move from reading and faith to action!?

I wish that you would speak to me..

I miss the sound of your voice

um. ouch? and I want to forgive you. I want to forgive. I really do. but how?

aching.

your just out of reach...

come back?

sister? firend? what are we now? enemies?  aquaintences?

I DON"T WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN!!

I don't want to.

I love him. I do. I love him and if he asks me I will marry him.

so screw you.

screw the whole friggin world.

.....can't you see that I am hurting.

I don't care if you don't like him.

 ....can't you see that your opinion means the world to me?

you were the one who was never there for me!

 ......don't you know I want to love you.

Your the one who left this relationship!

......what else can I do?

Your the one being selfish!

.......did your words ever mean anything?

All I did was answer your questions and you flip out!

..........did you even hear me..?

Screw you.

 .................can't you see I'm hurting?

maybe your right. nothing will be the same- we won't be like sisters.

......................I wanted you to be my maid of honor.

How immature... you won't even pick up your phone.

..........................................does this friendship mean anything to you?

you think that I never cared about you.  

........................................................do you see me trying?

fine. be that way. Screw this whole thing.

fuck you.

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ....................................................................................don't you know I love you...............................................

Screw this Friendship. It's not worth it.

..........................................................................is there any hope?